I’m Kitty and I’m a happy fat girl. I know it almost seems like an oxymoron in today’s society, but fat is just a word. You only give power to words through the way you react to them. I have fat on my body — I am not defined by my fat. If someone wanted to write me off simply for having fat then it’s no loss to me, but entirely their loss for not getting to know my awesomeness. I didn’t always feel this way though so I figure I should tell you the story of how I learned to stop worrying and be the bomb!
I realized that I didn’t have to fit in with society’s ideal image of what I should be
As a little girl I had laid out this whole plan for myself based on the expectations set by my parents, society, teachers, etc…but my life didn’t work out as I had planned. Though was it really my plan? Was it too late to change it? The answer to both was no.
I always wanted to fit in. I tortured myself for it and spent years in pain and sadness pursuing it. One day I realized that I didn’t have to fit in with society’s ideal image of what I should be. I realized I had to rebel and let the scared little child out that I’d spoken down to for years, apologize, and let her play.
Life is about playing and being free, expressing yourself and being vibrant. I was none of those things and wanted to be. All my life I’ve been a little bit weird, extremely awkward, and kind of detached. I learned that’s what makes me great, I know it doesn’t sound positive but I’m getting there.
Slowly I changed things like my hair, makeup, and style. I discovered mod-vintage clothes — I’d always loved the 40s, 50s, and 60s era clothing but it never came in my size. I was a tomboy growing up mainly because I didn’t have options, and my parents would have found my love for all things vintage, kitsch, and bright embarrassing. Though as an adult I was determined to find me. The world is my oyster right? I can dress how I want, be whoever I want and embarrass myself all I wanted!
With each change I felt like I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. One day I decided to just let it all out! No fear. No more being trapped in my mind with the image I wanted to be. With a roar I went and bought purple hair dye and bleach and decided this was it, this was the point of no return and did it. I shocked people and others smiled and stared. Some took pictures or snickered and oddly I didn’t care. I began to laugh and smile and the negative voice in my head slowed and was easily controlled. I bought dresses with cupcakes, ponies, dogs, cats, and vibrant colours. I wore them proudly. The more I did this, the stronger I felt, the more confident I got and the more the haters stopped in their tracks.
I was a confusion bomb, it was almost like they overloaded just looking at me.
I was a confusion bomb, it was almost like they overloaded just looking at me. I could almost see the thoughts sometimes: “Where do I start? She’s fat, but that dress, wait her hair, her tattoos…wrrrrrrr does not compute!” it’s like they just fizzled out or gave up. It made me laugh and smile. People would call me ridiculous, and often I’d answer with “Thank you that’s what I was aiming for!” or “Who’s ridiculous?”. Upon realizing I wasn’t running away crying or looking at the floor, shame set in for them. I WON! I stepped out of the matrix of self hate, shame, and doubt.
I no longer compromised and thought “I shouldn’t wear this because I’m fat”. I wear it because I want to and it makes me happy. The world didn’t end if I wore a bikini or crop top, and people will always be cruel and find something they don’t like about me. That’s ok but I don’t have to listen to it. This is the difference above all else. Don’t listen, EVER. Every day that I got dressed in my fun clothes I won. I get to smile every time I look at myself, even on terrible days where the self hate rears it’s head (because it still happens but not so often) I put on a dress and I smile.
I started following the body positive community and started feeling less alone; I wasn’t the only one who struggled. Men, women, fat, thin, tall, short — all struggled — we are all told we need to hate ourselves to be better. I realized everyone in this world suffers from “grass is greener” syndrome. We all think everyone else has it better than ourselves. No one could ever understand right? Wrong, we all can find one thing we don’t like about ourselves, or compare ourselves to someone else. I haven’t met a person who doesn’t, even the most attractive and thin person looks in envy upon someone else. This realization was another win.
I’m a vibrant light in the world and no one will stomp that out.
I now walk through the crowds of people and stand tall. I see myself as the flamingo in a crowd of pigeons. I’m a vibrant light in the world and no one will stomp that out. I want others to feel the way I do. Free of the shackles of expectation. Free of the shame and pain we are supposed to feel as people who do not fit some ideal of acceptable.
I feel like I’ve cracked the code and defused the issue, and I want to show people in the world they can stop hating themselves and feel pretty too. You deserve to love the body you’re in now. Nobody improved anything in their life by hating themselves; it has often made things much worse. If a pretty dress, a dye job, or piece of fun jewelry can make you feel like a million bucks for a day, it’s a day of change and positivity. It’s a step towards a new you, a better you, a more vibrant you!
So take the first step and fire your inner critic ’cause he/she can be an asshole, and hire a new one. Be the BOMB! Blow the rules into glittery confetti and write your own rules as you go.